


A Completely Normal Weekend

by lizardk98



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: All The Ships, Aobajousai, Coffee, Couple’s pottery, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fun, Funny, Grocery Shopping, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oneshot, Platonic Relationships, Relationship(s), Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Teamwork, Watari is so done, Yahaba and Kyoutani are accidentally on a date, matsuhana - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29913693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardk98/pseuds/lizardk98
Summary: Nobody knows what Makki and Mattsun get up to on the weekends, but the rest of the team has made it their mission to find out...for better or for worse.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira, Kyoutani Kentarou & Yahaba Shigeru
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	A Completely Normal Weekend

-Friday – After Practice-

“Okay, well, good practice guys,” Oikawa clapped his hands together and turned to face his fellow third years in the locker room. “Mattsun, Makki, why don’t you guys go ahead and head out. I’m sure you guys want to get home already.”

Mattsun cocked a rather large eyebrow in response. “You and Iwa aren’t leaving?”

“Oh! Uh, no, not just yet,” Oikawa’s eyes shifted around the room nervously.

“Oh, god,” Makki let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m going to regret asking this but why?”

“We just have some, umm, business to attend to, is all.”

“Ohoho, is that so?” Mattsun wiggled both eyebrows, now, suggestively. “Well, by all means don’t let us hold you up. Oh, and make sure you use protection. We wouldn’t want any mini-Iwa’s or Oikawa’s running around, now would we.”

Iwaizumi’s nose scrunched up in disgust. “That’s not what he meant and you know it. Also, you may need to re-take sex-ed because that’s not at all how that works.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” Makki waved dismissively as he and Mattsun opened the door to the locker room to leave. “Just make sure you clean up afterward!” he called behind himself on the way out. “I don’t wanna have to deal with it come Monday!”

“Guys-”

“Heh,” Mattsun snickered as he slung his arm around the strawberry-blonde’s shoulders. “ _Come_ Monday, I get it. Good one.”

And with that, they were gone, door closing loudly behind them.

Oikawa turned his head slowly, nervously, to the right, knowing exactly the look that Iwaizumi was currently giving him. Let’s just say that, if looks could kill, he would be long dead.

“Now, Iwa-chan, I know that I probably could have handled that a bit better but you’ve gotta admit that-”

“No,” Iwaizumi interrupted, “I’m not admitting anything other than the fact that I hate you.”

“ _Iwa-chan_ ,” Oikawa whined, pouting, “You don’t hate me, you love me!”

“Unfortunately,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.

“Umm,” a muffled voice that sounded vaguely like Kindaichi’s called out from the inside of one of the lockers, “I don’t mean to ruin the…moment, but can we come out now?”

“What the actual hell was that!?” Iwaizumi exclaimed as he looked around the room frantically, seeing no one other than the two of them. “Oikawa, who-”

“Yeah, you guys can come out now,” Oikawa yawned, clearly not fazed at all.

Suddenly, five other bodies belonging to their teammates were emerging from lockers and slinking out from under benches.

“What the…how the…why are you guys still here!? Why were you in the lockers? That’s creepy as hell,” Iwaizumi stammered. “Oh my god, Kunimi were you under the bench I was sitting on this whole time!?”

“Yeah?” Kunimi shrugged.

“ _Why?_ ” Iwaizumi pleaded. This was not how after-practice normally went.

“Captain wanted me to get in a locker like the rest of them, but I didn’t know how long we would be standing in there so I wanted to lay down. Hence the bench.”

“ _You,_ ” Iwaizumi pointed a finger at his boyfriend accusingly. “You better tell me _right_ now what is going on or I am going to shove my foot so far up your ass you’re going to see-”

“Okay, okay,” Oikawa threw his hands up in surrender. “I’ll tell you if you calm down a bit.” Iwaizumi lowered his fists and Oikawa breathed a sigh of relief as his face lit up. “They’re all here for a team meeting!”

Iwaizumi blinked a few times before turning to address the rest of the team. “If he’s bribing you or blackmailing you or something, you can tell me, you know?”

“Trust me, none of us want to be here,” Yahaba sighed, placing a hand on his hip, “But Oikawa-san said that it was ‘an urgent matter that cannot, under any circumstances, wait.’ That, and he promised to let me play setter in our next practice match.”

Iwaizumi scowled and faced Oikawa once again. “Explain.”

“Well, you see, Iwa-chan, I’m a bit perturbed. Our dear friends Makki and Mattsun are an enigma.”

“They are?”

“They are,” Oikawa nodded in confirmation. “You see, every weekend, they disappear. Poof. Vanished. Gone. And I want to know what they do. I _need_ to know what they do.”

“You sound absolutely ridiculous,” Iwaizumi crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.

“Do I though?” Oikawa challenged. “Think about it. Have any of you ever seen them outside of school or practice?” He waited a moment and, when nobody answered, he smirked. “Exactly.”

“Why don’t you just ask one of them?” Watari offered.

“Oh, Watachi,” Oikawa patted the second-year’s head, “I wish it was that easy. I asked them before and all they did was laugh and walk away.”

“Then just break into one of their houses or something,” Kyoutani mumbled, shrugging.

“That’s a felony, idiot,” Yahaba spat, but before Kyoutani had a chance to rebut, Oikawa interrupted.

“I tried that, too.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in horror. “You _what?_ ”

Oikawa continued, ignoring his boyfriend. “Neither of them was home. I check every other Saturday and they’re never there. Which leads me to believe that they must be doing something really interesting, really gross, or really shady. And I want to know what.”

“Maybe they just have, oh I dunno, jobs or something,” Iwaizumi glared at the setter. “They are high school students, after all.”

“No, no,” Oikawa waved the other off, “That’s much too mundane for them. Besides, I feel like we would know if they had jobs.”

“Why the hell would we know that?”

“Because, Iwa-chan, they’re our best friends.”

Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows. “You do know they both hate you most of the time, right?”

“So anyway,” Oikawa continued, pretending to have not heard the remark, “I bet they’re, like, undercover agents or something. Like, for an organized crime syndicate.”

“ _Or,”_ Iwaizumi emphasized, “Maybe they _are_ just normal. Maybe they go shopping or something?”

“Every weekend?” Oikawa deadpanned, narrowing his eyes.

“Sure. Let’s go with that.”

-The Next Day-

 **Shittykawa** _Added 6 People to the Group Chat:_ **Operation Matsuhana**

 **Shittykawa:** _So I bet you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Oh my god…_

 **Yahabitch:** _Would someone like to explain why I’m getting texts at 4 IN THE FUCKING MORNING_

 **Kindaichi:** _Good morning!_

 **Yahabitch:** _NO_

 **Watachi:** _Ummm…Oikawa-san what is happening?_

 **Kuni-Meme** _removed themself from_ **Operation Matsuhana**

 **Shittykawa** _added_ **Kuni-Meme**

 **Kuni-Meme:** _I hate you_

 **Mad Dog:** _What the fuck is a Matsuhana?_

 **Yahabitch:** _Are you joking right now or are you actually this dumb?_

 **Mad Dog:** _Oh fuck you_

 **Yahabitch:** _Fuck me yourself coward_

 **Iwa-chan:** _CHILDREN_

 **Kindaichi:** _Sorry dad_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Why the hell are you apologizing?_

 **Kindaichi:** _I don’t know…_

 **Kindaichi:** _Wait. Why am I the only one without a nickname :(_

 **Shittykawa** _changed_ **Kindaichi’s** _nickname to_ **Turnip-kun**

 **Turnip-kun** _changed their nickname to_ **Kindaichi**

 **Kindaichi:** _Never mind. Kindaichi is fine_

 **Watachi:** _I believe Matsuhana is a combination of Matsukawa-san and Hanamaki-san’s names, right?_

 **Shittykawa:** _You’re so smart Watachi!_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _Why are we here? What did you do? I was asleep. Someone better be dead._

 **Shittykawa:** _Well, friends_

 **Mad Dog:** _I’m not your friend?_

 **Shittykawa:** _I’m currently staked out in the bushes by Makki’s house waiting for him to get up and leave_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Oh please tell me you’re not serious. It’s 4 in the ducking morning!_

 **Iwa-chan:** _*Fucking_

 **Yahabitch:** _And this concerns me, why? It’s a weekend. I’d rather not associate with any of you_

 **Shittykawa:** _BECAUSE we’re going to find out what they do on the weekends!_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Oh no we are not. Tooru you better get your ass back to your house NOW_

 **Shittykawa:** _Make me XD_

 **Mad Dog:** _This is dumb. I’m going back to sleep_

 **Shittykawa:** _Wait!!! I’ll make it worth your while_ _;)_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _That’s creepy……._

 **Yahabitch:** _I’m intrigued_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Yahaba…no_

 **Shittykawa:** _Yahaba, yes. Anyhoo! I’ll do all of the after practice clean-up for two weeks if you guys help me out._

 **Kindaichi:** _Okay! Sounds good to me :)_

 **Yahabitch:** _Make it a month and I’m in_

 **Mad Dog:** _You’re an asshole_

 **Yahabitch:** _Oh don’t act like you’re any better than me_

 **Shittykawa:** _Fine. For the next month I’ll take care of clean-up. Now do we have a deal?_

 **Kindaichi:** _Yeah!_

 **Iwa-chan:** _You are so lucky I love you_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _No_

 **Kindaichi:** _Kunimiiii :(_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _…Fine_

 **Mad Dog:** _I guess. But I still don’t like any of you_

 **Yahabitch:** _Only because it benefits me_

 **Shittykawa:** _GREAT! Okay here’s the plan_

 **Shittykawa:** _Wait…where did Watachi go???_

“Oikawa, what the ever-loving fuck are you doing?” Iwaizumi whisper-yelled as he crept up beside his boyfriend, crouching down in the bushes. It was now nearly five in the morning and the sun was just beginning to rise, slowly illuminating the dark sky.

“I already told you,” Oikawa whispered back, “I’m waiting for either Makki to leave or Mattsun to show up so we can follow them.”

“That’s creepy as hell.”

“And yet you still came,” Oikawa wiggled his eyebrows.

“Okay, look just because-” Iwaizumi began to retort, but was quickly cut off as Oikawa’s hand found its way over his boyfriend’s mouth.

“Shhhh,” Oikawa shushed him, pointing in the direction of the house. “Look!”

Mattsun was skipping, completely expressionless, up the driveway to Makki’s front door.

“Okay so I lied,” Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in horror, “ _That_ is creepy as hell.”

They watched as Mattsun knocked on the door and waited for a few moments before it swung open, revealing one Hanamaki Takahiro standing there in a green bathrobe, bunny slippers, and charcoal face mask steadily drying on his nose and chin.

“Oh my god, he’s using the skin care I got him!” Oikawa whisper-shouted just a bit too loud and Iwaizumi grabbed his hair, pulling him back down into the bushes with a yelp. “Ouch! Iwa-chan that hurt!”

“Shhhhhut up!” Iwaizumi snapped, shushing the other. “They’re going to hear you and find us and I am _not_ explaining this. I will run and leave your ass here without a second thought.”

Oikawa pouted and returned his attention to the pair that they were stalking. Rather than hug or fist-bump or do anything even remotely normal, Makki and Mattsun shook hands before the former returned to his house and the latter sat down on the porch.

Iwaizumi and Oikawa were at a loss for words and didn’t realize that they’d been frozen in place until Makki emerged from his house once again, now clothed and clean-faced, and they took off down the street, arms linked together.

**Shittykawa:** _Targets are on the move. Iwa-chan and I are following them now._

 **Yahabitch:** _Oh god, this early???_

 **Shittykawa:** _Just get ready!_

“See, I told you they weren’t going to be doing anything weird,” Iwaizumi folded his arms as he and Oikawa sat down at a table on the opposite side of the coffee shop from their fellow third-years.

“Just give it some time,” Oikawa waved his hand dismissively as he held the menu up to his face, peering over the top.

“Tooru please stop doing that, people are starting to stare,” Iwaizumi glanced around the room at the audience they’d gained over the past few minutes, but Oikawa’s gaze held steady.

“No, Iwa-chan, I can’t take my eyes off of them or else they’ll disappear. Besides, everyone’s probably just staring at your arms or something,” Oikawa mumbled from behind the menu.

Just then a waitress arrived with their drinks. “I have a black coffee for Iwaizumi,” she placed the drink down in front of him, “And an iced latte with oat milk for Oikawa.”

Oikawa turned to accept his drink, flashing her a blinding smile. “Thank you so much! And might I add that your hair is just the most gorgeous shade of chestnut that I’ve ever seen,” he complimented, causing her to blush before returning back behind the counter.

“Okay,” Oikawa took a sip of his drink and turned back around, “Now where were-” but he stopped, head whipping around the room frantically, looking for something.

“What’s wrong?” Iwaizumi groaned as he breathed deeply, taking the first slow sip out of his mug, a look of finally-caffeinated bliss spreading on his face.

“They’re gone.”

“That’s not possible, Oikawa.”

“I swear, Iwa-chan. They’re not here.”

“I thought you were watching them!” Iwaizumi raised his voice, setting his drink down rather forcefully, causing a small amount to escape onto the table.

“I was, but then I wasn’t, but then I was again, but they were gone!” Oikawa blurted, placing his head in his hands. “This, this can’t be happening.”

Just then, Iwaizumi jolted out of his chair and grabbed his boyfriend by the sleeve of his shirt, yanking him up as well.

“Iwa-chan, what are you-”

“I see them!” Iwaizumi left more than enough money to cover their tab on the table and quickly walked toward the exit. “They’re getting away,” he yanked Oikawa harder, “Walk faster, dammit!”

“We’re…” Iwaizumi paused, looking around and taking in his surroundings, “At the supermarket? This is totally normal, right?”

Oikawa stared at the other, face expressionless. “They’re two high school guys going grocery shopping together on a Saturday at six-thirty in the morning. What part of that is normal?”

“I,” Iwaizumi faltered, “I don’t know, okay! But there has to be some explanation. It’s not like they live together or anything, maybe they’re throwing a party?”

Oikawa cocked an eyebrow. “How do we know they don’t, though?”

“I think we would know if they lived together, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi frowned, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Well, Hajime, if what you said previously is correct, then they may not actually tell us important things like that, hence we do not know for sure that they don’t.” Oikawa rubbed his chin in thought, face lighting up. “You know who probably would, though…”

**Shittykawa:** _Kunimi, do Makki and Mattsun live together?_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _What?_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Just answer the question, Kunimi._

 **Kuni-Meme:** _Oh god, okay. Not as far as I know…why?_

 **Shittykawa:** _No reason! Thanks!_

 **Kindaichi:** _Kunimi, what time do you want me to come over?_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _I’m going back to sleep. It’s still too early for this shit._

“I’m sure there’s a totally normal explanation for this,” Iwaizumi explained, trying to convince himself just as much as his boyfriend, as they trailed Makki and Mattsun down the street, having just left the supermarket.

Oikawa faced the other, eyebrows drawn together tightly in frustration. “Well, Iwa-chan, if _you_ have a ‘totally normal’ explanation as to why they’re currently carrying twenty-three cans of soup down the street, I’d love to hear it.” He extended a hand, waiting for the other to answer.

“Maybe they’re having a…soup party?”

“That’s not a thing!”

“It could be!” Iwaizumi snapped. He and Oikawa continued to bicker but stopped walking when they noticed the building that the other pair had just entered. “Is that…”

“A food bank?” Oikawa finished, mouth agape and eyebrows raised. “Oh my god, are they…are they good people?”

Iwaizumi turned away, face scrunched up in confusion. “No…no that can’t be right, right? Are they, are they better people than we are?”

As if on cue, Makki and Mattsun walked out of the building with an older woman who seemed to be thanking them, content smiles on their faces. She gave them each a hug before they took off down the street once again and turned a corner. Oikawa and Iwaizumi, however, did not move.

“This isn’t fun anymore,” Oikawa frowned. “But maybe if we keep following them-”

“No,” Iwaizumi interrupted sternly, grabbing Oikawa’s hand and yanking him in the opposite direction. “We’re going home.”

“But-”

“I said no. They’re Yahaba and Kyoutani’s problem now.”

“Fine,” Oikawa conceded, hanging his head in defeat. “Iwa-chan, you don’t actually think they could be better people than we are, right?”

“We’re not discussing this. Not now, not ever. Nobody needs to know. Now come on.”

**Iwa-chan:** _Kyoutani, Yahaba, they’re all yours now._

 **Yahabitch:** _Already?_

 **Iwa-chan:** _I’m sending you the location of the direction they headed. Good luck._

 **Mad Dog:** _What did they even do so early this morning?_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Nothing…_

 **Shittykawa:** _Coffee_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Just coffee_

**Yahabitch:** _Are you sure that was it? It’s been, like, three hours_

 **Shittykawa:** _Are you questioning your upperclassmen!?_

 **Yahabitch:** … -_-

-Friday – After Practice-

“No, no, I think you’re both wrong,” Yahaba interjected. “They’re definitely more interesting than that but I’m pretty sure they’re not ‘organized crime-’interesting.”

“Oh yeah, well then what do you suggest they do, genius?” Kyoutani narrowed his eyes in the other’s direction, challenging him.

“ _Well,_ ” Yahaba snapped, “If you had the mental capacity to focus on literally anything but volleyball and failing your classes, you might actually realize that Saturdays are probably just the days they go on dates.”

Kyoutani snorted. “Yeah, well, who’s the dumb one now?”

“Still you. Why?” Yahaba deadpanned.

“ _Because,_ asshat, they’re not dating,” Kyoutani stuck his nose in the air triumphantly, sure that he’d just won.

Yahaba only stared. “You’re joking, right?”

“No, why would I be?” Kyoutani glared. “What even gave you the idea they’re dating?”

“What gave you the idea they’re _not_ dating!?”

“Hey, guys, I think maybe we should take it down a notch before-” Watari attempted to help, only to be ignored.

“They’ve never said they’re together!”

“They literally make out. Like all the time. Like sometimes in the middle of the gym. During practice!”

“Ah, yeah, that’s fine, just talk over me, I don’t mind…” Watari mumbled as Iwaizumi shot a sympathetic look in his direction.

Kyoutani was now just inches from Yahaba’s face. “I bet you 100 diving drills that they’re _not_ dating.”

Yahaba placed both of his hands on the other’s chest, shoving hard. “You are so on.”

Watari shook his head. “And I am so done with you two.”

-The Next Day-

“Why did I get stuck with _you_?” Kyoutani narrowed his eyes as he and Yahaba walked in the direction of the location they’d been sent by Iwaizumi.

“You know you don’t _actually_ have to do this, right?” Yahaba snapped. “Nobody is forcing you to be here.”

“And let you win?” Kyoutani snorted. “Yeah, right, like I would do that.”

“Well then why don’t you just stop complaining and get over it?”

“And why don’t _you_ just-”

“Oh shut up,” Yahaba interrupted, pointing in the direction of a building at the end of the street they were on. “Look, they just walked in there; let’s go see what they’re doing.”

“Fine,” Kyoutani mumbled.

**Yahabitch:** _Ok we found them_

 **Shittykawa:** _Good boys!_

 **Yahabitch:** _Don’t you dare ever say that to me again._

 **Mad Dog:** _I will kill you in your sleep_

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Yahaba held his hand over his mouth in an attempt to muffle his laughter as he and Kyoutani stood outside of the store, watching Makki and Mattsun through one of the windows. He elbowed the other in the side. “Are you seeing this right now?”

“Yeah?” Kyoutani shrugged. “What about it?”

“What about it?” Yahaba scoffed and looked at the other in disbelief. “This is a jewelry store.” When there was no response, he sighed and rolled his eyes. “They’re literally in there looking at rings right now.”

The other only blinked. “So?”

“So!?” Yahaba shouted. “What part of that looks like they’re ‘just friends,’ huh?”

Kyoutani faced the brunette with a scowl. “Maybe they’re just friendship rings.”

“Oh, yeah, my bad, my bad,” Yahaba waved a hand dismissively, “I forgot that I do this with my friends all the time. Picking out rings with your arms around one another is a totally normal bro thing to do. Pardon me.”

“You have friends?”

“ _That’s_ what you took from that!?” Yahaba was about to argue more, when he saw Mattsun start to turn around in the direction of the window they were currently staring through. “ _Shit,_ get down,” he grabbed the collar of Kyoutani’s shirt and yanked him down forcefully.

“What the hell, are you trying to choke me!?” Kyoutani coughed and rubbed his throat.

“Oh you’ll be fine. Besides, we almost got caught and I am _not_ explaining why we’re following them. I’ll die before I do that.”

“Well,” Kyoutani declared much-too nonchalantly, “Looks like you might be dying sooner than you thought.”

“What?”

“They’re leaving the store, dumbass.”

Yahaba jolted up-right and looked around frantically, trying to find some place they could get to quickly to hide, but landing on nothing. What he did, instead, was something that they would vow to never speak of again. Taking a deep breath, he pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, yanked Kyoutani up, and pinned him against the wall.

“What the hell do you think you’re-” But Kyoutani was cut off as Yahaba’s lips were pressed, rather forcefully, onto his own.

From somewhere behind them, a voice that sounded vaguely like Hanamaki’s sighed. “Ah, youth.”

“Oh, to be young and in love,” One that resembled Matsukawa’s added as the footsteps grew quieter, signifying that the distance between the two pairs was widening.

Yahaba pushed away and coughed, wiping at his mouth. “That was disgusting,” he spat, glaring at Kyoutani.

“But-I-you-and me-why…what!?” Kyoutani sputtered, unable to process what had just happened. “Why the hell would you do that!? And what do you mean that was disgusting? _You_ kissed _me_!”

“I didn’t do a thing, as far as you’re concerned,” Yahaba narrowed his eyes, maintaining direct eye-contact with the other, shoving an index finger into his chest. “This never happened. Understood?”

“But-”

“ _Understood?_ ”

“Y-yeah…”

“Good, now come on, before we lose them.”

**Kindaichi:** _Hey guys! How’s it going?_

 **Yahabitch:** _Why? What did you hear?_

 **Mad Dog:** _What did you see? Did someone tell you something?_

 **Kindaichi:** _No…why? Did something happen?_

 **Yahabitch:** _Absolutely not. Shut up, Kindaichi_

 **Mad Dog:** _Yeah, mind your own business_

 **Kindaichi:** _I…okay…_

 **Shittykawa:** _Hey, has anyone heard from Watachi??_

“Absolutely not,” Yahaba shook his head, folding his arms over his chest. “I am not going in there.”

“Oh, so _this_ is where you draw the line?” Kyoutani challenged. “Where was that attitude back at the jewelry store?”

“I am not doing couples-pottery with you!” Yahaba snapped, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

“Yeah you are, unless you want to lose the bet.”

“Okay, but this is a _couple’s_ pottery class, so wouldn’t that technically mean that _you_ lose?”

“They could totally be doing this as friends,” Kyoutani held his ground.

“I _actually_ hate you.”

And so Yahaba and Kyoutani found themselves sitting in the pottery studio, on the opposite end of the room from Makki and Mattsun, making a single pot together.

“This is kind of fun,” Kyoutani smirked as he punched the clay on their pottery wheel, collapsing the semi-formed bowl that had finally begun to take-shape.

“This is kind of disgusting,” Yahaba grimaced, looking around at the couples in the room, arms around one another, hands tangled together in the clay. “I hate it here.”

“Hey, are you sure that the third-years haven’t seen us?” Kyoutani asked, ignoring the other’s remark. “They’re only just on the other side of the room.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I mean, look at them,” the brunette gestured to his left where Mattsun was practically laying on Makki as they molded a pot together. “They look pretty _close,_ huh?”

“Yeah, like pretty close _friends,_ ” Kyoutani corrected.

After another hour and a half of arguing and longing-for death (for Yahaba at least), the class was finally over and the pieces, inclusing one very-lumpy bowl, were being sent to the kiln to be picked up at a later date.

“Hey, can I have it then?” Kyoutani asked as they walked out of the studio, following in the direction of their targets.

“I literally could not care less,” Yahaba answered and then added under his breath, with a visible, full-body shiver “I can never look at pottery the same, anyway.”

Kyoutani cocked an eyebrow. “You look at pottery often?”

“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I like to do in my free time.”

“Oh, so it’s not just judging people?”

“No,” Yahaba scoffed. “That’s just one of my hobbies.”

Two hours and six plates of food later, the pair found themselves sitting in the middle of a very-fancy and very-expensive restaurant that the second-years could very-much not afford.

“I…I don’t think I can pay for this,” Kyoutani shook his head as he looked over the bill that had just been delivered to their table.

“What do you mean you can’t pay for it?” Yahaba questioned, lowering his voice in a threatening way.

“Do I look like I’m made of money?” the blonde laughed, emotionless. “Besides, why do _I_ have to pay?”

“Because _I’m_ the one who got stuck on this side of the table and have had to watch them holding hands and feeding each other for the past hour and a half,” Yahaba grimaced. “Consider it compensation for the emotional trauma.”

“Okay but you chose to sit on that side.”

“You’re still paying.”

“Shigeru,” Kyoutani’s tone was suddenly more serious than it had been all day. “I _cannot_ afford to pay for this.”

Just as Yahaba opened his mouth to use some choice words that most definitely would have gotten them thrown out of the restaurant, a waiter approached their table.

“I’m so sorry for interrupting, sirs,” the waiter bowed slightly, “But I just came to inform you that your lunches have been paid for.”

“They…what?” Yahaba’s jaw dropped and a single tear escaped down Kyoutani’s face. “Wait, who paid for us?”

“I apologize, but I’m not quite sure myself; they asked to remain anonymous,” the waiter bowed again. “However, they did send a message that they wanted to pay for the lovely couple’s entire tab and would love for you to choose a dessert to share, as well.”

“Hold on,” Kyoutani quickly wiped the moisture from his cheek and narrowed his eyes at the waiter, “We are _not_ a couple.”

“Oh, I am so sorry, sir please forgiv-”

“You actually think that I would ever go out with someone like _him_?” Yahaba spat, shoving his thumb in Kyoutani’s direction. “Ha! Don’t make me laugh.”

“If you would like, I can-”

“Oh, don’t act like you’re any better than I am!” Kyoutani and Yahaba were now standing, faces just inches from each other’s as they continued to yell back and forth.

“I see you’re going to need some time, so I’ll just come back for your dessert order in a bit,” the waiter chuckled nervously and quickly scurried away.

Kyoutani sat down and folded his arms. “Way to go, asshole, you scared him away.”

“Yeah, well I’m surprised he didn’t take one look at you and run,” Yahaba sneered, returning to his seat as well. “Okay, but on a serious note, who do you think paid for our food?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the two idiots we’ve been following for the past four hours.”

“Yeah, but how would they have even known we’re here?”

“I don’t know, but you probably blew our cover somehow,” Kyoutani shrugged and took a sip of his water.

“How the hell would I have blown our cover?” Yahaba scoffed.

“I don’t know, but I’d bet money it’s your fault.”

“You know what,” Yahaba stood up abruptly, “I’m done. I’m just going to go ask them, myse-”

“What’s the problem?” Kyoutani asked, looking over his shoulder.

Yahaba sat back down and sighed in defeat. “They’re not here anymore.” They stared at each other uncomfortably until Yahaba cleared his throat. “So about dessert…”

**Yahabitch:** _So funny story_

 **Mad Dog:** _We may have lost them…_

 **Yahabitch:** _Good luck first-years!_

 **Kuni-Meme:** _What do you mean good luck!? How the hell are we supposed to find them??_

 **Kindaichi:** _Thanks guys, we’ll take it from here!_

-Friday – After Practice-

“Kunimi and Kindaichi, you two have been awfully quiet,” Oikawa turned his attention to the two first-years.

“Huh?” Kunimi looked up from whatever he was doing on his phone. “Oh, yeah, that’s because I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“Come _oooon_ ,” Oikawa whined. “You have to be just the teensiest bit curious.”

“No. No I’m not,” Kunimi glared.

“Fine,” Oikawa huffed, turning to face Kindaichi. “So, Kindaichi, what do _you_ think they do?”

“Uh,” Kindaichi chuckled nervously and scratched at the back of his neck, “I-I mean, I think you all have some valid points. They could really be doing anything. I’m sure one of you has already guessed it!”

“Lame,” Oikawa stuck out his tongue before bringing his attention back to the other first-year, still engrossed in his phone. “Kunimi, my boy-”

_“No.”_

“I know you’re close with them-”

“Not by choice.”

“So if anyone would know what they do, it would be you.”

“I already said I _don’t_ know.”

“Well, you have to have a guess!”

“You know what, sure.” Kunimi huffed exasperatedly. “Drugs.”

“E-excuse me?” Oikawa was clearly taken aback.

“Drugs,” Kunimi repeated, staring his upperclassman directly in the eye.

The room was silent, mouths agape, before Kindaichi leaned over and whispered “Like, like actually?”

“No, not actually!” Kunimi shoved his phone in his pocket angrily. “Look, I already told you all that I really don’t care,” he sighed, rubbing his temples. “I try not to involve myself in their personal lives. Trust me, been there, done that, never doing it again. Hell, at this point, I’m not even entirely convinced they’re real!”

“I…what?” Iwaizumi didn’t know what to say.

“Maybe they’re both just a figment of our imaginations,” Kunimi explained, “Like a team-fever dream or something. Oikawa-san even said that nobody has ever seen them outside of school or practice, so maybe they just don’t exist. I know that _I_ wouldn’t mind if that were the case.”

Kindaichi stared at his friend, concern evident on his face. “Kunimi, a-are you trying to gaslight yourself right now?”

“Probably,” Kunimi shrugged as he pulled his pone back out of his pocket and turned it on, resuming what he was doing. “I honestly don’t even care at this point.”

Oikawa rubbed his chin in thought. “You know, Kunimi-chan, you may just be onto someth-”

Iwaizumi glared, cutting the other off. “Don’t you dare even think about finishing that sentence.”

-The Next Day-

“Explain to me again why I just wasted five hours of my day watching those two idiots play chess in the park?” Kunimi sighed and rubbed his temples as he and Kindaichi followed Makki and Mattsun in a direction that seemed oddly familiar.

“Oh come on, Kunimi, it was kind of fun!” Kindaichi exclaimed, “Like we were undercover agents or something, having to not get caught. And now that it’s dark out, it just adds to the effect!”

Kunimi opened his mouth to respond before closing it tight and looking away, deciding that it would probably be best if he didn’t. After a while he faced his best friend again. “Hey, where do you think they’re going?” he asked cautiously.

Kindaichi rubbed his chin in thought. “Hmm, I’m not entirely sure, but does this feel kind of familiar to you?”

“Yeah that’s what I was thinking,” Kunimi furrowed his brow. “I don’t feel very good about this, Kindaichi…”

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Kindaichi waved off the concern. When he turned back around, however, he stopped. “Wait. Are we…”

“At the school?” Kunimi finished, gritting his teeth and looking around frantically. “Kindaichi, can we leave?”

“Look, I know this looks sort of…sketchy,” Kindaichi chuckled nervously. “Especially because they stopped back at Matsukawa-san’s house and changed into all-black clothes,” he trailed off before plastering a fake smile on his face. “But I’m sure it’s fine! Everything is just fine.”

“If, if you say so,” Kunimi grabbed onto the back of Kindaichi’s jacket, walking behind his best friend.

“W-what are you doing?” Kindaichi asked tentatively.

“You think I’m going first?” Kunimi whisper-snapped. “ _You_ said that everything should be fine, so you get to go first. Besides…rather you than me.”

Kunimi and Kindaichi followed the third-years further on campus, which was just barely illuminated by the moonlight in the night sky, until they finally came to a stop at the gym.

“What are they-” Kindaichi whispered, but was cut off.

“Shhh,” Kunimi shushed. “They’ll hear you. Oh my god…”

The first-years watched in horror as Mattsun pulled what looked like a small Ziploc-bag out of his pocket and looked around a few times before quickly picking the lock on the gym doors and shuffling in, Makki right behind him, scanning the area before pulling them closed.

Kindaichi licked his lips, all of the moisture having been sucked from his mouth. “Are, are those-”

“No,” Kunimi shook his head frantically. “No, this can’t be real. I was just joking yesterday! This, this can’t be real life.” He was frozen in place. Kindaichi was unsure if he was even breathing.

“K-Kunimi…” Kindaichi gulped as his friend began to walk forward slowly, robotically, as if his actions were not his own. “Kunimi, where are you going?”

“I have to know.”

“No you don’t,” Kindaichi pleaded with the other. “Not anymore. I know that I said we should stay but we need to go home now before-”

“I _need_ to know, Yutaro!” Kunimi choked out a sob. “I need to know if this is happening or if I’m actually going crazy.”

“You can’t go in there, though, you’ll be an accomplice!” Kindaichi cried.

“An accomplice to _what,_ Yutaro!?” Kunimi raised his voice. “Say it out loud!”

“I…I can’t,” Kindaichi hung his head.

“That’s what I thought,” Kunimi sighed and patted his friend on the head. “Don’t worry. I’m just going to look through the window. I’ll be okay.”

Kindaichi grabbed the other’s hand and stared into his eyes. “Please be careful.”

Kunimi nodded and walked slowly toward the gym windows before taking a deep breath and looking in. What he saw was something that would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life. He stumbled backward, eyes widened in horror, tripping over his own feet as he ran. He ran like his life depended on it.

Kindaichi watched as his best friend took off faster than he’d ever seen before. He took a few steps forward and looked in the window before throwing a hand over his mouth to muffle his scream and doing the same, images of clothing on the gym floor and Ziploc-bags strewn to the side ingrained in his brain forever.

-One Hour Later-

Watari was sitting at home, enjoying a nice, quiet Saturday evening to himself when he heard a knock on his front door. He sighed, but didn’t move, hoping that whoever it was would get the hint and go away eventually…They did not. The knocking continued, incessantly, for another five minutes before Watari gave up, rolling his eyes as he threw open the door.

“It is ten at night, what could you possibly-” but he stopped, seeing who was at his door.

“Hey, pal,” Matsukawa grinned, resting against the doorway as Hanamaki held a Ziploc-bag full of what looked like flour in front of his face. “Wanna make some cookies?”

"I'm going to regret letting you into my house, aren't I?" Watari groaned. 

"Guess there's only one way to find out."

“Hold on, so let me get this straight,” Watari rubbed his temples and took a bite out a fresh-baked chocolate chip cookie. “You two have just been fucking with them all day? I muted the group chat this morning, so I had no idea what was happening.”

“Isn’t it great?” Mattsun chuckled and threw his hands behind his head, laying it down on Makki’s lap where he was lounging on the couch.

“Honestly some of the most fun we’ve had in a while,” Makki added, running his hands through the other’s hair and finishing off his own cookie. “And the best part is that none of them knew that we knew that they were there. Like, all day.”

“Wait,” Watari’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “How did you even know that they were going to be following you?”

Mattsun’s eyes were closed, leaning into the other’s hand as he spoke. “Oh, we heard you guys talking in the locker room yesterday.”

“Y-you did?”

“Yeah, we knew that something was up when Oikawa was acting all jumpy,” Makki explained, “Well, jumpier than usual. So we decided to stick around and, oh, were we glad that we did.”

“Yeah, but we weren’t expecting the fun to start so damn early in the morning,” Mattsun groaned. “But when this one,” he tilted his head in the strawberry-blonde’s direction, “Called me at five this morning, we knew it was go time.”

“So you tricked Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san into thinking you were good people, scarred Yahaba and Kyoutani doing gross couple-y things all day and literally set them up on a date, and have now probably single-handedly sent both first years to therapy?”

Mattsun nodded his head in confirmation as Makki spoke. “Hey, we were just doing what they all speculated we do on the weekends, so we wanted to give them exactly that.”

Watari shook his head. “You know that Kunimi was joking when he said drugs, right? You didn’t have to actually make it look like you were _doing_ drugs.”

“Oh we knew he was joking,” Mattsun snorted, “But the other one didn’t really give us anything to work with, so drugs were our only option. I feel like we made it believable enough, though.”

Makki leaned down and kissed Mattsun on the cheek before bringing his attention back to the second-year. “So, Watari, now that you know everything,” he extended his hand, “Any other questions?’

“Just one,” Watari cocked an eyebrow. “What _do_ you two do every weekend?”

“You know that Cosplay Café a few blocks from your house?” Mattsun started.

Watari narrowed his eyes. “You guys go there every weekend?”

“Oh, honey,” Makki chuckled, “We work there. We just had the day off today.”

Watari could no longer control his laughter and the three of them sat in his living room and polished off the rest of the plate of cookies. You know,” Watari spoke, voice muffled around the cookie in his mouth, “You guys are pretty alright.”

Makki clutched his hand over his heart. “I always knew there was a reason we liked you.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” Mattsun added, “You’re our favorite second-year.”

And so the trio sat and conversed and joked at the expense of the rest of their team for the rest of the night.

-The Next Morning-

 **Shittykawa:** _So…did anyone find out anything yesterday?_

 **Mad Dog:** _No_

 **Yahabitch:** _Absolutely nothing_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Not a thing on our end either…_

 **Shittykawa:** _Kunimi-chan?_

 **Shittykawa:** _Kindaichi?_

 **Iwa-chan:** _Nobody’s heard from them since last night?_

 **Kindaichi:** _We would appreciate some privacy and thank you in advance for your cooperation._

 **Mad Dog:** _What the hell does that mean?_

 **Yahabitch:** _Do you not know how to read, dumbass?_

 **Mad Dog:** _Do you really want to go there? Because I’m pretty sure I have some information you would really rather they don’t know_

 **Yahabitch:** _You wouldn’t dare_

 **Mad Dog:** _Try me bitch_ **-_-**

 **Shittykawa:** _Okaaaaay…going past whatever weird sexual tension is going on there…Kunimi? You good?_

 **Kindaichi:** _I’m sorry but Kunimi is away from his phone currently. Thank you for your understanding._

 **Iwa-chan:** _I have no idea what’s going on right now_

 **Watachi:** _I do_

 **Shittykawa:** _Wait…what!?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for the actual shit show that was this story, but I had way too much fun writing it. Besides, Makki and Mattsun are two of my absolute favorite characters and I couldn't pass up the opportunity of making them mess with the team. Also, if you wanted to know more about why Kunimi is so close with them and absolutely hates every moment of it, all is explained in my Iwaoi story called "I Fell in Love With You on New Year's Eve." Anyway, if you made it this far, I just want to say thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you have a great day (or night)!


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